When Love Breaks Down: Language, Desire, and the Couple’s Crisis

In couple dynamics, problems often emerge when the essential tripod of love—love, desire, and choice—collapses into a single element. (ψυχοδυναμικη θεραπεια)

Love as a Verb, Not an Object

Love is not merely about the object of affection. To love is an action, not just a state or feeling. People often make the mistake of thinking love must be returned to be valid. But love can exist independently—it can be given without expectation.

There are individuals who long for love yet refuse to practice the act of loving. They believe love must be mutual, and if it's not, it's not real. But true love does not require reciprocity—it's an internal posture, a position of openness.

Love Is Not Need

Contrary to common belief, love is not dependency. Needing someone and not being able to live without them is not love—it's emotional addiction.

Love must be distinguished from emotional need or dependency. A partner's value does not lie in being needed, but in being seen, chosen, and loved for who they are.

Language: Our True Environment

As humans, we are beings of language. Love is expressed, mediated, and even created through language. Our relationships live within words. That's why in therapy, couples must learn not just to talk, but to speak meaningfully—to understand who they are speaking to and how.

Psychoanalysis teaches that love is not something we "have" or "feel" in the abstract—it's something we do.

The Inability to Love and Be Loved

In therapy, it's common to encounter individuals who cannot allow themselves to love, even though they demand love from the other. This creates great pain for both partners.

Some people are unable to receive love—they may crave it deeply but unconsciously reject it when it comes. For example, one may reduce their partner to a mere object of desire or will, rather than allowing the fullness of love to take place.

This is why some men, for instance, are impotent with women they love but sexually active with those they don't—they unconsciously split desire from affection.

One partner may serve as the object of love, and another as the object of desire, but rarely both at once. This split, unless understood and worked through, leads to suffering.

When Feelings Mislead

People often say, "I no longer feel love." But love is not a feeling—it's an act, a decision, a position. Feelings are fleeting and often misleading. They can change with mood, stress, or misunderstanding. Love, when understood as a verb, remains more stable.

The Danger of Miscommunication in Therapy

In couple therapy, one spouse might announce, "I don't love you anymore," thinking they are simply stating a feeling. But for the other, especially one who equates love with being needed or wanted, this can be devastating.

Each partner experiences loss differently—one grieves the lack of love, the other the lack of desire. This creates a loop of misunderstanding and conflict.

Rather than confronting each other with these declarations, it would be more constructive to bring such concerns to the therapist—to explore them safely and meaningfully, rather than using them as weapons in a fight. (θεραπεια ζευγους)